“I release unrequited love and open my heart to receive unconditional, reciprocal, harmonious partnerships, relationships, and love.” ~La Espiritista
Holidays are an extremely rough time for me. Especially Christmas. Growing up in a Roman Catholic household it reminds me of being expected to go to church and celebrate the birth of Christ. It also reminds me that it was the only time my father was really happy. A genuine happy-but it did usually involve alcohol being in his system. One of my favorite Christmas memories with him is while listening to “Feliz Navidad” while decorating the Christmas tree. We were replaying the song again and again, singing, laughing, and dancing together. He was spinning me around and around and catching me each time I was about to fall.
I am still waiting for one last dance and at this time there seems to be no signs that he will be facing the generational and religious trauma and pain which has caused him to despise my existence as a Queer, Fluid, and Trans person. Over the years, I have come to a deep acceptance of this awareness & it is what grants me the compassion to hold space for his process—-from a distance. It is what has led me to a point in my life where I finally feel I am worthy of opening my heart again to unconditional love. The type of love which exudes care and compassion in the way which is true & present in the ways that I need. These last few years have been WILD with the relationships I was attracting into my life. I have kept wondering why aren’t aligned matches coming through & spirit spoke softly one morning – “Divine one, you attract that which is a reflection of yourself. The reason these bonds are not here yet is because you keep abandoning yourself to get approval from other people. It is time to hold compassion and care for yourself.”
Compassion for myself sounds like the gentle opening of my heart; sweetly granting myself the healing & love which was not available to me from my blood family. Compassion for myself feels like the rivers flow- a commitment to let go of force and settling to be in any type of specific relationship with any being. Compassion means I surrender & allow spirit to take the reins for the bonds, chosen fam, collaborations, and partnerships which are meant to be cultivated in my life.
Fast forward to present day, I am sober from abusing alcohol 3 1/2years and completely sober for 1 1/2, 1 year sober from codependency, and actively exploring my relationship to love & sex. It is wild how much these addictions and dependencies can be mixed together with queer culture yet it is not talked about. How much folx in our community develop addictions not because of “personal defect” but because of systemic oppression & unresolved ancestral pain. How these addictions are really symptoms which manifest from relationship wounding—from spirit, ancestors, land, self. My sobriety and recovery is a HUGE part of my healing journey which I kept hushed and shushed away for a very long time because I did not know any other Queer, Trans, People of Color like me going through the same things. 12 step programs made me feel more alienated and alone and the energy told me that the foundation of the program was built from White Supremacy.
I am blessed during this present moment to be developing relationships with other QTBIPOC who are sober and actively working on sobriety outside this outdated model which refuses to acknowledge systems, generational trauma, and society to be the main contributor to addictions. I am blessed during this present moment to be developing relationships with QTBIPOC who are exploring and being curious about spirituality and ancestral medicine– which is deeply intertwined with the liberation & healing for a sustained recovery for many of us.
It is not your fault—and we still do need to take responsibility for the way addictions play out for us personally-but this is nothing to be ashamed about. If I would have known this years ago- I would be so much further along in my self-love journey, and it is okay. We discover things in divine timing.