“My emptiness is the space for my potential to blossom into the brilliance I am”
I want to preface this post that I share parts of my personal healing journey in hopes that it can support you in yours. Even if what you can relate to is only a snippet- that is enough for connection which I believe is the birthplace of healing.
This week I want to talk about emptiness actually being space yet to be filled and transformed. For me, this past week has been grief filled, anxiety driven, and sorrow encompassed to say the least. I know I am all about the play, pleasure, and fun–but it would be foolish of me to not voice how we also have to experience the darkness to engage with the light.
The holidays are already an extremely tender time for Queer & Trans folx who aren’t accepted and/or completely understood by their blood family. (show some love by paying us, especially QTBIPOC and Black Trans Folx). For me, it brings up the grief of never having the space to be myself. Then there can be the grief around holidays for POC folx who have had traditions and cultures erased & have had been forced to assimilate & participate in certain holidays. I have been on a journey of cultivating the chosen family of my dreams and it is important to remember patience is an essential piece of the process.
Being physically alone has always triggered fear in me. Growing up in such tight-gripped proximity to my nuclear family may be a contributor to this. If you are someone who has grown up in poverty and/or someone who is a POC, you know how much emphasis is put onto the family, to the point that sometimes the individual self is completely sacrificed. I grew up sharing a couch bed at my earliest ages with my mother, father, and sister in my Cuban grandparents’ small one bedroom apartment since we couldn’t afford a place of our own. I grew up with homelessness until my grandparents took my Mother, sister, and I in, and then continued experiencing home insecurity. I am blessed that I even had that support because I am aware not everyone does, and still I must acknowledge that my needs were not completely met.
Currently, I am in safe stable solo housing after moving 5 times during this pandemic & so much survivor guilt has been arising for me. The space I have for myself is the space I use to share with 5 other people and one I couldn’t have possibly imagined having for myself in this time of my life.. Although I feel extremely blessed, the space I have for myself also feels so much like emptiness yet to be filled. In the past I have tried to fill this space with anything so I wouldn’t feel the heavy uncomfortable feelings (hello dependency and addiction issues) , but I am tired of blocking myself from what I truly need and deserve and settling. As a Queer Trans People of Color, we are constantly forced to settle. Fuck that shit. We are worthy of more choices and opportunities. One lesson I am learning from spirit at the moment is that Actively choosing what is not for you means you are blocking what is for you.
We are all experiencing space in some way and I want to gently remind you that having space is a gift & a privilege. For those of us who are used to not having space and now are experiencing it in ways which are completely new and supportive of our wellness–I know how guilty you may feel, and I want to say you are worthy. Queer and Trans folx are worthy of having space that supports our wellness.
It may be physical space from our loved ones which do not quite understand us, space from being employed in toxic work environments, space from the way our lives used to be before this pandemic ever occurred.
I am sitting with the idea of space being the precursor for new beginnings even if times of immense grief. That this space can be a chance for me to write and call in a new narrative for myself. That despite the fear, uncertainty, and unknown, I can learn healthy and self-empowering ways to relate to it. Space is often a gift from spirit around being intentional with your time, energy, and choices. As I sit with my space, I am in process of clearing and identifying what it is that I need and desire to call in next. I am in reflection of all the times I have abandoned myself for the sake of someone else’s comfort, and I am forgiving myself for the fucked up ways I have treated myself and have allowed others to treat me because of systemic oppression and colonial violence.
Vulnerability is an act of divine labor and love.
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