And bark peels,
And dandelions sprout seeds
where you kneel
While nature blooms right
where you stand
engraved onto the land.
Watch the leaves change color
this time around
Breathe the pollinated air
And rub it into the ground.
Feel the seasons transform on the tip
of your tongue.” -Sentimental Feelings
The card I drew from my Butterfly deck this week is “Sentimental Feelings.”
Our past continues to haunt us until it is acknowledged, and we are receptive enough to integrate the lessons being taught to us. This goes for painful and joyful memories. However, for simplicity sake, I am going to focus on the more painful stories we may hold.
Every human being carries a magnitude of stories in their body. Many are unconscious and stored away because it was far too painful to confront at the time the experience was occurring. Our senses DO remember though, even though we consciously forget- subtle signs can trigger a response in us way past the memory occurred stirring sentimental feelings inside of us.
Holidays are events that can stir sentimental feelings as our senses remind us of all the memories of the good times we have had with loved ones, or of the disappointment and hurt caused from the ones closest to us.
For me, this week brings Mother’s Day and it is holiday which has always caused a lot of grief, guilt, and pain. For as long as I can remember, I have felt a huge disconnect with the concept of mother. My disconnect has manifested into huge sources of anxiety- particularly to forms of nature which represent mother, like earth and ocean. My disconnection from mother has caused me to lose touch with the way earth feels and the natural cycles which earth possesses. It has caused me to lose touch with the concepts of care, nurturance, and nourishment the ocean provides.
A huge piece of this disconnect has been through the displacement of my ancestry and not having a single place I can truly call home. It has also been through a disconnect with my birth mother in this plane.
It is never too late to give yourself what you have never received.
It is never too late to learn how to care for the land which has cared so much for you.
It is never too late to unlearn the lies fed to us about what nourishment looks like in this capitalistic society.
Sentimental feelings are about uprooting and transplanting our wounded memories to more fertile soil.
It is about leaning into the discomfort close enough to hear the truths being spoken to us.
It is about being aware of your triggers and taking initiative to discover where they stem from.
It is about allowing the natural cycle of integration to occur by accepting and acknowledging the pain we hold and may have inherited generationally.
Emotions linger and become heavier with time, demanding more space from you. Have the courage to process the painful emotions to create a balance for the dark and light.